I don't know if anyone saw the South Park episode where the U.S. is nearly destroyed by the giant cloud of smug emitted by people who are so self-righteous about their do-gooding they think their own farts smell like roses, but it was awesome. It made me laugh, and sort of reminded me of living on the East Coast. Until today, when I went to lunch with my husband, and it reminded me of living HERE.
Because in the parking lot of the sandwich shop where we went to eat, I saw not 1, but 2 cars with owners so clearly smug I wanted to run into them with my piece o' shit (but totally awesome) stick-shift-tape-deck-only-so-what-if-it-has-a-few-rust-spots go-wagon.
The first car was a newer model Toyota (or some other small Asian car), green, of course, with the license plate ECO CAR and the rear end plastered, I mean literally covered, with bumper stickers like "Think Green!" and "Love Your Mother Earth" and "Recycle" and shit like that. Note: They are called bumper stickers. Think about it. Bumper. Stickers.
Let me be clear about bumper stickers. I myself have a bumper sticker. ONE bumper sticker. It says "Family Farms - YES, Factory Farms - NO". I am from the Midwest and this is something I believe in very deeply. It is not something I follow very well, because I live in a city and shop at a chain grocery store that I guarantee does not carry local farm produce and the local meat at the farmer's market is too damn expensive. I like my bumper sticker and its message a lot, but I feel badly I don't follow it very well and it looks stupid on my car. Also, when I drive like an asshole I am afraid people are thinking "That girl just cut me off! Well, no way am I ever going to support local farms if all the local farm assholes act like that!" This is also the main reason I don't have any derby bumper stickers on my car. That and I like to be anonymous. Especially in my current line of work.
So, my own guilt about bumper sticker hypocrisy aside, I firmly believe the only bumper stickers that belong on cars are the ones that say things like "Honk if You Love Jesus", "My Boss is a Jewish Carpenter", "My President is Charlton Heston", and "Jesus Loves You, Everyone Else Thinks You're an Asshole". Or, any bumper sticker from a national park / landmark or commemorating a trip (a trip you took in your car, for all you asses who put those oval-shaped country stickers on your car to brag about the places you've been, like "UK". Oh really, how was the drive there?)
This is because those acceptable bumper stickers (see above) give you a good chuckle and a warning about the people who are driving the car. "Whoa, those people are a little crazy, I will just stay in this other lane". Or "Whoa, that guy is an NRA fanatic, I will not piss him off by riding on his tail". The same could be argued for other bumper stickers, I guess, but I'm not sure that "Goddess Power" gives me a good idea of how someone is going to drive.
The second car in the parking lot was a Honda Civic with the license plate NV MY MPG. That one really put me over the top. I was fuming so badly I missed the "Pro Life" bumper sticker. Luckily the hubster had the wherewithal to point it out, which stopped my fuming because my brain was wrapping around itself attempting to fathom the sort of person who is smug about being environmentally friendly but wants to oppress women. Unless they were just bragging about the MPG, in which case I am not surprised.
My other beef with bumper stickers is that they are pointless and, like car alarms, probably do more harm than good. When was the last time you were driving behind someone, read a bumper sticker on their car, and said, "My god, how can I have been so ignorant! It's all so clear to me now! My life will never be the same!" NOW, how many times were you driving behind someone, read a bumper sticker on their car, and wanted to run them off the road / follow them home and punch them in the face? More times than the first one, I'm willing to bet.
Add to that the number of people who are dumb enough to drive around with beer slogans, Grateful Dead, Bob Marley, and/or pot leaf stickers on their cars- yeah, I bet that makes your interaction with the police much more pleasant when you get pulled over.
I know that Americans spend more time in their cars than any other nation on the planet*
*completely unfounded unscientific claim
They already serve as a phone booth, stereo system, mobile food eatery, and daycare system, do they really need to be a billboard, too? Let's all do our part to make this a more beautiful America - just say NO to bumper stickers.
This post does not apply to a certain friend with 1 homemade bumper sticker "I *heart* cock". Keep up the good work.
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