Stuff White People Like Contest Entry

One of my favorite websites, Stuff White People Like, (www.stuffwhitepeoplelike.com) is coming out with a book. To celebrate, they had an essay contest and the top 3 essays were going to win an autographed copy of the book.

I entered the following essay and waiting all weekend with baited breath to find out whether or not I was deemed one of the top 3 entries... only to check the website today and discover this message:

"The Stuff White People Like contest received over 685 entries! Unfortunately, narrowing that field down to three winners proved to be too difficult and the decision was made to award the prize to five people with each of the winning entries will be posted this week.

Each person will receive a copy of Stuff White People Like, and the top three entries will receive a DVD of The Onion Movie because they sent in three copies to be given away.

Thank you to every person who submitted an entry, the response was incredible."

I guess I'm not surprised, as picking 5 winners gives them the whole week off, right before the week the book comes out (July 1). They're probably too bust celebrating and being hung-over to write blog posts.

Today's winner (Mark Huber of Roxbury Crossing, MA) was terrible. If I can't beat that entry I shouldn't have even entered the contest. But you think they would have contacted the winners instead of keeping them in suspense, no? Maybe not. If I had a blog that popular, I would be the type of asshole who would keep people in suspense by not contacting the winners and slowly, painfully, posting the essays 1 day at a time.

I should have written my SWPL entry on "Buying Books Based on a Blog".

D.I.Y.

The do-it-yourself or “DIY” movement, which encompasses everything from making a wallet out of duct tape to building a home out of hay bales, is a white person favorite. White people have created thousands of websites, magazines, and books dedicated to the DIY movement.

DIY projects make white people feel that not only are they intelligent and capable but also creative and independent. Nothing makes a white person sleep better at night than the sense of pride and accomplishment they gain by making something on their own. This makes white people feel like they do not need to consume to be happy and could, if necessary, survive by meeting their own basic needs without having to depend on or pay others, especially non-white people in third world countries, to produce them.

Showing appreciation for a DIY project is a simple way to bond with a white person.
If you see a white person sporting an item that is obviously hand-made, be sure to compliment the item and ask where they bought it. White people enjoy few things more than announcing loudly and nonchalantly, “Oh, I made it”, when someone asks them where they bought a DIY item.

If a white person is talking about a DIY project, be sure to listen intently and pretend to appreciate the large amount of effort expended on the project. Ask basic questions like, “how much time did that take?” to encourage them to talk about the project. If you see a white person working on a DIY project, such as fixing his own bike or knitting a hat, be sure to ask him how he learned the skill or how long he has been practicing that specific DIY “art”.

Important disclaimer: DIY should not be confused with “makeshift” repairs popular in rural areas of the U.S., such as affixing a bumper that has fallen off a car with duct tape. This is not regarded as acceptable DIY by advanced-level white people and talking about it will drastically reduce a white person’s regard for you.